Children Of The Corn SyFy Remake Review

It's 1975, and a young married couple - Vietnam vet Burt and preacher's daughter Vicki - are driving cross-country straight into the heartland of Hell. Here in Gatlin, Nebraska, the town's bloodthirsty children - led by the boy preacher Issac and his teen enforcer Malachai - have slaughtered all adults by command of He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Now two new Outlanders have arrived...and The Time of Sacrifice is at hand.

I don't know why, but I was really hoping for more from the SyFy original remake of Children of the Corn. I was let down. Maybe it was Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica that gave me the false hope. After all, she was in one of the best sci-fi television shows to have hit the small screen. I'm sure for others that unfortunately wasted their time watching this, it was David Anders of Alias, Heroes, and 24 fame that reeled them in to this. Either way, I'm sure they will identify with me when I say that I'll never get that two hours of my life back.

There's really nothing good to say about this movie. Nothing. It is completely devoid of anything even remotely cool or redeemable. A whole lot of nothing happens in situations where something should have. Basically it's two people driving around looking for someone and then they run into weird kids that attack them in the name of some weird deity they worship that they seem to think is God.

I mean, the main characters are so nasty and completely unlikable that you might actually find yourself hoping that the kids would kill them as quickly as possible to get this thing over with. All McClure and Anders do the entire time is bicker about what to do and why the other one is to blame for their crappy marriage. The "children of the corn" are even pretty boring. Their clothes look like they've been freshly washed in Tide with Bleach and then hung up and pressed in wardrobe for the shoot. They just stand outside windows and in alleyways and stare at you. The little kid, Isaac, that leads them is lame. You just want to put him over your knee and spank him silly. And poor Malachi. He's literally just a puppet to a little brat 11-year old that tells him what to do.

I wish I could tell you that maybe the scenes of gore at least justified watching this. Well, there really were none. At least not until the end. The hanging scarecrow people were definitely creepy. That's about it. The rest is just stuff that maybe non-genre fans would think was gory.

I'm also still trying to figure out what the point of setting this in 1975 was. I know the original short story came out in 1977, but come on. For some bizarre reason, the entire movie takes place in 1975. Anders' character is a Viet Nam vet, who, of course is having illusions of still being in the war. They especially happen when he's in the cornfields because they look just like Viet Nam. Wow - how original.

This recently came out on DVD in an uncut version and I wish I could believe that it might help the movie. I don't believe it, though. I don't think that even added gore or something of that nature could save this thing from being a bore. This is the perfect example of a great 27-page story being stretched (like inquisition-style) out to make a very dragging and uneventful 90-minute movie. (Review by Eric Shirey)

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